


Storms

by LithePhan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Domestic Phan, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, M/M, Phan AU, Phan Angst, Phan Fluff, Phan Smut, Phanfiction, phan future
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-15
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-24 13:44:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4921828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LithePhan/pseuds/LithePhan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you run away with a piece of me<br/>You'll be Asundering our lives you'll see. </p><p>But Would I smile? for yes my sweet, I'm a fool.<br/>For the world, my darling, follows a rule. </p><p>I would pain, I would hurt, I would crumble down to the ground<br/>And you'll kiss me saying<br/>What goes around comes around. </p><p> </p><p>Karma is a bitch, or so they say. But did the repercussions of Dan's past doings rip their relationship so far apart that they have travelled from the past to haunt his present. And if so why has realisation dawned upon Phil all of a sudden. </p><p>With accusations thrown at each other, cold looks being the order of the day, only one question badgers them. </p><p>Is this it?</p><p>[its technically an Au which is horribly close to real life, needless to say it's an Au for plot purposes. Since they literally have no drama in their actuall lives.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. - Epilogue -

Things always tend to form a full circle to give closure in life, every last bit of the jigsaw falls into place, every last domino falls down in series. But us, Phil and I ? We feel incomplete. We didn't fall in love. The term "fall" describes something sudden, whereas we blended into each other's personality, melted in with the other person's interests till we couldn't distinguish ourselves as two different individuals, till we felt like one single entity, till the word 'love' seemed too small to describe what we shared. And since our story had a start resembling the way cotton candy melts in one's mouth, the fact that it was ending on a note similar to spontaneous combustion was leaving me numb all over.

We didn't fall In love, but right now, we sure as hell were skydiving out of it.

 

The metal surface of the pen left a cold impression against my fingers. I rolled it in my hand, it left behind a trail of an ice like sensation. Good I thought, any type of feeling inflicted upon my body is welcome right now. Would it be dramatic if I described the sheet of paper laid nonchalantly in front of me as too white? White enough to make me squint my eyes.

I ran my fingertips against it's surface. Feels pretty real too. It was the second consecutive day when we had found ourselves in this big boardroom, with a never ending wooden table, seated directly opposite each other. There had been managers, our own personal representatives and lawyers. As much as separation would hurt, this hurted more- tearing apart the entire brand of Dan and Phil wasn't just a money issue, it was our entire legacy.

And Phil wanted out of it.

Our entire management team had been bewildered, and honestly I couldn't blame them. They had tried to make us undertand the losses each of us would suffer financially, how breaking the brand would mean completely liquidating it. My lawyer had the audacity to confirm if we had a prenup, which we did, we weren't stupid when we got married we were mature adults ofcourse we had a prenup.The never ending discussions went on and on but Phil wouldn't budge, so to continue the talks we had found ourselves in this icy, gigantic, professional boardroom/ the place I'll dread the most for the remaining of my life, once again.

Yesterday had felt even more unreal than today It wasn't until I had woken upto different bedcovers instead of brightly coloured blue and green ones with the lack of long pale limbs entangled around my body with soft breaths upon my neck and the lack of the sight of a tussle of straight, black hair, had I realised or atleast managed to scratch the surface of believing that he had infact left me. And I didn't need a piece of paper to make me undertand that. The cold shifty looks, clenched jaws and eyes that would not meet mine under any conditions, were enough to leave a hole in me, a hole which screamed- that perhaps we were now over.

But as hard as I wanted to believe, it still didn't feel real. It felt like a dream, I was light headed, I couldn't make out anyone except him and everything was fogged. It wasn't the idea of him that gave me blinding agony. It was his presence. It was him himself as a human being. He caused me the kind of pain I can't begin to tend because each blow was a cut running bone deep.

 

There had been only a handful moments in my life where the line between reality and some virtual-parallel universe, had blurred. Immense happines to the point of ecstasy, pure moments of joyful awe, feeling of being loved and loving someone at it's epitome and the serene impact of being satisfied. These were those points in my life where I had to ground myself into believing it was all real by holding onto something stationary, something constant, something unmoving which would hold every piece of my existence down.

And it used to be him.

Philip Michael Lester.

The irony is that he was the cause of it in the first place. He was the reason why I questioned every real and tangible thing in my vicinity, because the amount of happiness I experienced had infact seemed out of the world, blurring everything I knew to be concious with the unconcious. He had taken me to places unimaginable, sometimes with his words and sometimes merely by his presence itself. And now turn of events had changed my entire universe.

I can't visit those places again, I can't relive those memories without tasting him like blood in my mouth.

Sharp.

Metallic.

Scarlet.

And painful.

 

He has managed to destroy me in every beautiful way possible. He has left me. And now I finally get it.

_**I understand why storms are named after people.** _


	2. ~ Chapter - 1 ~

I took off the ring from my finger, it was a simple band of white gold with a strip of black in middle, he had to maintain his aesthetic. I rolled my eyes even at the memory.

The day had been hardly different from a normal one, maybe except for the fact that we were moving out of our old apartment into this bungalow. It felt like such a long time ago, I remember checking for that little ring, which I had stored in my jeans pocket, every chance I could get.

"Pass me the bubble wrap" dan instructed distractedly spending way too much attention to the protection of his guild wars items. I complied and passing him the wrap, rubbed my fingers against the ring's impression on the surface of my jeans. All safe. Beads of sweat decorated his forehead, which using the sleeve of his shirt he carelessly wiped. I had never seen anything as intriguing as Dan Howell concentrating on something that he found difficult. Which in this case was pasting tape while simultaneously holding on to the bubble wrap.

Box after box was packed, marked and pushed/dragged to the lounge. Even though I had managed to hide my anticipation for the past 10 days, these few hours had been an agony. Finally as the moment neared my hands started sweating, my entire body felt hollow from inside, throat was parched and my thoughts were entirely blocked. Strangely I didn't have any second thoughts, and standing in the doorway to the kitchen looking at him peek into the cupboards, checking and rechecking, soothed me down.

"Dan" I called out as nonchalantly as I possibly could.

"Yeah..?" He answered without looking up, slamming the last cupboard door shut and opening the drawers this time.

"Dan" I insisted on his complete attention.

"Mmm?" It was honestly one of the most annoying moments of my life.

"Leave the poor drawers alone, we've already gone through them! Thrice atleast!"

Clacking his tongue he replied," I know! I'm just making sur-" closing the last drawer he turned around. _Finally have time Daniel Howell_?

I walked upto him, his eyes still roaming around the room making sure nothing was left behind, and grabbing his hand by mine dragged him to the lounge.

"Yes! Ye- let's go. Sheeh I was just making sure.." his voice trailed off maybe because he noted my urgency, maybe something else caught his attention, god knows what but I wasn't having any of it. I needed his complete and undivided attention. While his internet persona may have begged to differ Dan was one of the most mature person I personally knew. Saying all that, he had the attention span of a goldfish. And I always felt like I needed to _earn_ his attention.

The room was empty, well both figuratively and literally the shelfcase had been disbanded and packed, the couch had already been moved, the electronics were safely boxed away too. And now the house echoed a serene silence. I gave his hand the tiniest squeeze and untwined me fingers from his. Leading him to the centre of the room I paused and taking a deep breath began, "Before I start I need you to keep qui-"

"Wai-wai-wai-wait " 2 seconds in and he already was interrupting me.

"Shhhh" I admonished him. "That's what I'm saying keep quiet! Okay? Let me finish speaking first."

"When we had moved into this apartment, life had turned around, for both of us. We were sure of what we wanted and had landed ourselves good jobs. Leaving Manchester behind had been necessary" His face contorted a little, probably from the bitter memories, I gave him a slight nod assuring him that all was forgotten and forgiven and in the past and after a short pause and a gulp of the dry throat, continued " I have spent a lot of my life with you. And I mean like a lot lot. I have watched you grow up into this wonderful, hardworking, ambitious man that it almost makes me forget the uncertain little guy I met on the internet. You always mention at any possible chance that I helped you or inspired you, but you, dan you have impacted my life in a way I can't nor want to change. Your presence by my side at every major turn in this life has given me unspeakable strength and comfort. I don't lie when I say that I found a companion in you, a companion, a friend, an admirer.." I gave a light chuckle before pausing and looking up, only to find his eyes all welled up and his long slender fingers covering his mouth while the other hand played with the sweater's sleeve. Shaking my head as to warn him not to make me cry in turn, I muttered, "NO! No no no!" I shut my eyes because blinking back tears wasn't being helpful, I sniffed back, "No! You let me complete Daniel!" A laugh escaped his lips as he wiped his cheek. Oh what I wouldnt do for that laugh. Gathering myself I said, "I not only found a friend and a companion but an advisor and above all I found a person whom I could be comfortable with, maybe I can't place it in words as appropriately as you can but you know that I have the same passion. I can't imagine a person who'd know me better than you and I think that goes both ways. I can't elaborate, it's really just a simple thing. _I love you_. "

I took his hands in mine again which after wiping his eyes with his sleeve he gave willingly, mine had went numb cold and the warmth was a welcoming and an overwhelming feeling. Crossing my fingers with his i met his eyes with mine, the question was already up in the air and I had never been more confident of an answer than at that particular moment. My anticipation had been tested for atleast a month now but now that I knew he was going to say yes, which i knew knew all I wanted to do was pull him in an embrace and never let him go.

And that's exactly what I did.

 

That apartment had felt more like home than any place else in the entire world. Weirdly, it still did. It still felt like home probably because it stood for happy times, everything pre and post that apartment had been a disaster. Immaturity reigned Manchester and London squeezed that out of him. Dan Howell was an admirable creature to me once, now "admiration" didn't come in the top 100 feelings I felt for him. Disgust held the strong first position though, following a close second came anger.

Rolling the ring in the palm of my hand for a few minutes I contemplated everything it bound. A small ring with a diameter less than 2cm had enclosed our vows, our promises, our trust and faith in each other and now I was questioning every single one of them. Each moment we spent together was now all fazed _was it even real? Was any of it real? Did he even love me? Did he ever really admire me or he just thought acting like I inspired him would get him more attention?_ My thoughts had officially taken a dark turn. I shook my head in a vain attempt to get rid of those thoughts and delicately placing the ring on the countertop. Looking up in the mirror I saw myself, "okay let's get this over with" giving out a big sigh I walked out of the bathroom.

All those things people used to say about boredom creeping into life after a long term relationship never applied to us somehow. But even we weren't spared by the clichéd 'after sometime those little things you found cute are now straight forward irritating and stuff you could adjust to now seem unbearable'. Ever since I found about that I had invariably been in a cranky mood and and we picked fight at the (again clichéd) silliest things. I thought I could wrap my mind around it seeing how all of it was in the past, I thought I wouldn't believe it but all the facts were too true to be unseen. I even have a vague idea of the conversation I'm about to have, a lot of questions would be thrown and he'll obviously want to know why. But he'll have to figure this on his own, at least this time he will have to.

Reaching under my spectacles I rubbed my eyes vigorously, this needed to be done and this needed to be done now. I walked down the stairs to find him in the informal living room. _How could he_.. I cleared my throat not wanting to abruptly call him out. He turned his head away from his laptop, around to me. Not paying mind to my presence he went back to his work. Walking down I sat beside him and probably my existence in his vicinity caught his attention for which I was grateful.

"what?" He asked looking staright at me. Not in a put-off way just a general curious 'what' way. My thumb instantly went to the empty ring finger, I'm going to need to get used to that feeling.

"Aren't you done Dan" I asked my throat was all closed up and my voice was probably just audible, my eyes were not ready to meet his. They probably are never going to be.

"Um no actually I'm gonna need atleast another hour or so" he was looking at me I could feel it but I couldn't look back up.

"I didn't mean your work" I knitted my fingers together and selecting an optimum spot between my two knotted digits decided to stare at it, throughout the conversation.

After an overexasperated sigh and a quite vocal shutting down of the laptop he turned around and inquired "WHAT?! Phil? What? What do you require of me NOW?"

I _required you to be true Dan, I required you to have my back, I required you to not lie to my face for 11 years._

Mustering up all the suppressed anger, I looked up and I must've looked real bad because the expressions on Daniel Howell's face underwent a _delightfully_ _satisfying_ change. I have no idea what I looked like but Dan's mouth had parted or more like fell open his, eyes reflected something I had never seen. "Since WHEN HAS IT MATTERED WHAT I REQUIRE DANIEL?" my voice escalated in volume without my supervision.

"Phil.." He halted "you have bloodshot eyes" he had placed his open hand on my chest.I couldn't bear a single touch from him, shrugging his hand off I got up and started pacing the room, head bent down, muttering to myself. I needed to spit it all out but the amount of anger I had closeted inside was bound to come out in an unhealthy manner. "Ph- Phil Phil" was he talking to me? "What is happening? I'm honestly confused" he was up on his feet too. "I know we've been arguing a lot latel-"

"Oh? OH?" I laughed sarcastically very unlike myself if I may add "observations observations people!" I rubbed the back of my neck.

"What's wrong with you why are you being so weird?" His voice was squeaky unlike his general confident boom.

"OH HAHHA IM SORRY! I keep forgetting im ofcourse the weird one you know what dan?" I swiftly walked towards him and grasping the front of his shirt with my clenched fist jutted my face as close to his as is possible without kissing a person "IM SORRY! You see if only had someone told me I EMBARASSED YOU I wouldn't have had been near you with all of my weirdness!" His face showed a mixture of expressions, but confusion definitely topped them all.

"what is wrong Phil?" The words escaped his lips in the tiniest way possible, it was bordering to whisper.

Letting go of his shirt I turned around, my fists were still clenched and infact were turning white "you disgust me Dan, that's what's wrong." I turned back round to find him in state of utter confusion, but my anger was not giving any way to sympathy.

" **You knew damn well what you were doing.**

**You knew damn well who you were breaking** "

I smiled cynically, "didn't you?"


	3. - Chapter 2 -

There honestly isn't anything as poetic in nature as the ocean, its rippling waves, coloured in whites, blues, greens and other speechless colours, the sound it makes as the gushing water ripples and beats down, the beautiful yet destructive and profound effect it has on the rocks that jut from the ocean surface, leaving beautiful and uncannily attractive spume behind. In its calm and still standing state the ocean shows such tranquil that it makes one forget all about the crushing after effects that follows the _storm._

I breath into my hands covering my mouth, an expression of disbelief is missing from my face which should have been there, marking its presence by wide open eyes, dry mouth, heavy breathing and pale jaw. Its absence isn't replaced by any classified feeling, its absence has simply left a deep and resonating gorge devoid of any thought. The white tiles of the kitchen floor provide us with unnecessary brightness which seeps through my tightly shut eyes, and it feels cold, _oh so cold_ , I can feel it through the cloth of my pants. My back aches faintly upon being rested against the kitchen counter for unquestionably a long amount of time. Which has taken upon itself to stop and pain us, inflict upon us unbearable agony. Phil's slumped body is right in front of me near my feet, he took to the floor shortly after I did, but I can't be very sure, anything that has happened in the Howell-Lester's household in the past day and a half is more of a blur, so it's significantly hard to distinguish any event in the said timeline. It's dark but it's still hard to distinguish whether it is day or night, I've traversed in and out of sleep for the past few hours. The talking stopped after each of us hit the floor, it had to stop sometime in the span of 30 hours.

I unfold my legs which were huddled near my chest and spread them out stretching my toes, every speck of my body aches, it could be the lack of sleep, it could be the fact that I've been sitting on the kitchen floor for a daunting amount of time or it could be the fact that I feel so torn apart it physically hurts. I touch my lips, they feel all parched and in serious need of balm, wiping a little drool from the sides I make the unhealthy decision of moving. Shuffling I crawl on all my fours to where Phil lies, the floor on his side has a temperature even lower than at my side. His eyes are open and bloodshot just like last night or was it morning? Those eyes which hold my entire universe, those eyes which laugh all on their own when their owner is happy, those eyes which easily comfort me and speak a thousand words, those very eyes now follow my movements as I gently lie in front of them, those eyes now seep into mine and accuse of me of some unknown crime.

"Phil.." I ushered my voice out of my mouth. 

"Dan" he pronounced my name like it itch his throat to do so. But he was sore and his body was aching all over too, I could see it. He had been lying on the cold hard floor just about as much time as i had.

"Did you catch any sleep?" Despite what our day long argumentative session of yesterday may say, i care about Phil more than probably anything in the world. 

"I think so" forced normality was straining his voice, which hoarse and deep from all the shouting from the day before.

Reaching forward i brushed my fingers against his, and his entire body contracted in reaction. Phil was a six foot tall guy but right now, on the kitchen floor he was balled up into this little thing which no one would be able to recognise. My throat was raw too, from all the crying, the yelling, the screaming. Our argument had comprised of every single thing we resented about each other. Crude accusations were thrown at me, and my comebacks weren't exactly subtle either. Grave topics ranging from- the fact that he brought less financial stability in our lives than me, to- how I was supposedly more money-minded him, were discussed at length. Even petty complaints like- how I fail to meet him at the dinner table at supper time, or how he doesn't shut the closet doors were spoken with such spite that their value got aggravated to an incomprehensible level. 

For a minute or two we just laid there, in the middle of our kitchen, simply looking, watching, solemnly drinking each other's presence, and then that moment passed. Phil got up and as he did so his face reflected his pain, he winced with every step, mirroring him i got on my feet two and the two of us looked around at the mess we had made the previous day. Pans, cutlery, broken ceramic plates, everything laid scattered on the ground. Aggression does wonders to spoil the home decor. 

Hardly a word passed between us as we silently straightened up our kitchen, little phrases like "put the spatula in that, corner", "no, avoid the ceramic pieces, I will get rid of that" felt as empty as they were meant to sound. We worked easily around each other and within a half an hour our house was wiped off of any evidence of what it had witnessed yesterday. On exploring we found out it was day outside, pulling the drapes aside we let warm sunshine into our gloomy house.

"Dan?" Phil called me from the hallway leading to our front door, walking over I saw he had put on a jacket and was about to go outside.

I looked at him intently and made sure he didn't carry any form of baggage, after heaving I asked him in the tiniest voice, my throat was filled up and I was about to cry once again because the sight of him, standing in the hallway, as if about to leave gave me a possibility to think about. The possibility of him leaving me, the possibility of spending the remaining of my life all alone without him, the possibility of literally carving a Phil lester shaped hole in me. And it was honestly a terrifying thought. "Are you leaving me?" 

_Are you leaving me Phillip?_

_Don't do that._

_**You've grown roses in my lungs Phil and even though they still look beautiful I can't breathe.** _


End file.
